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Explaining Pet Loss to Your Child
It is natural to want to protect our children from painful
experiences. Most adults, however, are surprised to find how
well most children adjust to the death of a pet if they are
prepared with honest, simple explanations. From a young age,
children begin to understand the concept of death, even though
they may be unaware of it at a conscious level.
When a pet is dying, it may be more difficult for a child to
resolve the grief experienced if the child is not told the
truth. Adults should avoid using terms like "put to sleep" when
discussing euthanasia of a family pet. A child could
misinterpret this common phrase, indicating the adult's denial
of death, and develop a terror of bedtime. Suggesting to a child
that "God has taken" the pet might create conflict in the child,
who could become angry at the higher power for cruelty toward a
pet and the child.
Children are capable of understanding, each in their own way,
that life must end for all living things. Support their grief by
acknowledging their pain. The death of a pet can be an
opportunity for a child to learn that adult caretakers can be
relied upon to extend comfort and reassurance. It is an
important opportunity to encourage a child to express his or her
feelings.
Two- and Three-Year- Olds: Children who are two or three years
old typically have no understanding of death. They often
consider it a form of sleep. They should be told that their pet
has died and will not return. Common reactions to this include
temporary loss of speech and generalized distress. The two- or
three-year-old should be reassured that the pet's failure to
return is unrelated to anything the child may have said or done.
Typically, a child in this age range will readily accept another
pet in place of the dead one.
Four-, Five-, and Six-Year-Olds: Children in this age range have
some understanding of death but in a way that relates to a
continued existence. The pet may be considered to be living
underground while continuing to eat, breathe, and play.
Alternatively, it may be considered asleep. A return to life may
be expected if the child views death as temporary. These
children often feel that any anger they had for the pet may be
responsible for its death. This view should be refuted because
they may also translate this belief to the death of family
members in the past. Some children also see death as contagious
and begin to fear that their own death (or that of others) is
imminent. They should be reassured that their death is not
likely. Manifestations of grief often take the form of
disturbances in bladder and bowel control, eating, and sleeping.
This is best managed by parent-child discussions that allow the
child to express feelings and concerns. Several brief
discussions are generally more productive than one or two
prolonged sessions.
Seven-, Eight-, and Nine-Year-Olds: The irreversibility of death
becomes real to these children. They usually do not personalize
death, thinking it cannot happen to themselves. However, some
children may develop concerns about death of their parents. They
may become very curious about death and its implications.
Parents should be ready to respond frankly and honestly to
questions that may arise. Several manifestations of grief may
occur in these children, including the development of school
problems, learning problems, antisocial behavior, hypochondriacal concerns, or aggression. Additionally,
withdrawal, over-attentiveness, or clinging behavior may be
seen. Based on grief reactions to loss of parents or siblings,
it is likely that the symptoms may not occur immediately but
several weeks or months later.
Adolescents: Although this age group also reacts similarly to
adults, many adolescents may exhibit various forms of denial.
This usually takes the form of a lack of emotional display.
Consequently, these young people may be experiencing sincere
grief without any outward manifestations. Copyright ©1996, 1997
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